I highly doubt there has been a study of children who were breastfed for two years or more and sexual perverts. You’re just asking your child to have weird fantasies about being breastfed in the bedroom. As a baby, your little one just knows the squishy thing gives him food.

But as he ages, he’s having more thoughts than just hungry, tired, and my bum is wet. Now you have this child, not a baby, suckling at your bosom and it’s weird. Soon he’ll wonder why the other kids are getting their milk from a carton. From a medical viewpoint, children don’t need to be breastfed past a year old. They can get their nutrients from other sources. And we live in a society where people finding this act frightening. Plain and simple. From what I’ve heard, breastfeeding is painful. Why continue it? Are you a masochist? Okay, I get it. It’s a sacrifice you make for the child. But it’s not one you need to make at all! You want someone to suck on your nipples really hard? Ask your partner. He/she would be more than happy to.

At the top of my list are the loud talkers. These people are just plain rude. Subtitles are for foreign films and for the hearing impaired– I shouldn’t need them because you won’t shut your trap, especially not in a LOUD movie theater with a speaker on every 2 feet of wall space. If you can’t hear yourself talking it’s because you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ANYWAY.

Next: The Distractions– these are the people who munch and gobble food loudly, fidget in their seats, or get up for a lot of concession stand and pee breaks. This category also includes the Baby Bringers, Cell Phone Ringers, and Popcorn Flingers. Just stop. Whatever it is that you’re doing instead of watching the screen, just stop it. If you weren’t going to pay attention to the movie why did you pay the $13.50 or more? The rest of us hocked up blood to pay for these tickets and we want to get our money’s worth. Obviously school never taught you how to behave because these social skills also apply to special ceremonies, sports games, concerts, and more.

And at the bottom of the annoyance list are the people with odd quirks because they aren’t trying to be rude. These are the people who laugh and then repeat the punchline of the joke, who say things like “dayum,” because they got scared and want to hide it, or who simply just do things by accident.

Take some simple social skills advice– just be cool. If you can’t be polite at these kinds of events wait for the DVD or Netflix release and be as annoying as you like in the comfort of your own home.

• Do not talk about past relationships. You’re here to learn about each other, not what once was. Plus, it will come across that you’re still hung-up on your ex.
• Do not talk too much about yourself. Let’s keep it 50-50 and not come across as a narcissistic a-hole.
• Shy away from “controversial” topics like religion and politics. However, you can tip toe around the subjects and if the person seems like he/she may have similar views as you, then go for it.
• Do not reveal really personal information or “baggage,” such as “My mom is a recovering alcoholic and I’ve been taking Prozac since I was a teenager.”
• Do not get drunk UNLESS both of you get drunk together. Actually no one should really get drunk but I did on my first date and three months later we’re still going strong…and drinking a lot together.
• Do not reveal sexual fantasies, especially if they’re weird like you have a foot fetish. That’s unappetizing.
• And finally, do not mention love, marriage, and babies…at all!

Follow this advice and you can be on your way to having appropriate social skills.

Valeria Lukyanova is a 21-year-old Ukrainian girl who apparently dreamed of looking like a real-life Barbie and after several surgeries, her dream came true. She’s a real plastic ditz! Her eyes are even just as soulless as the doll. I could probably rant for hours about how this is the most anti-feminist act possible. But I won’t. I’ll keep it brief. Even as a child I never liked playing with Barbie dolls but I think that was because TMNT toys were way cooler. Obviously at the age of 5 I didn’t know about feminism, but seeing these countless and horrific photographs makes me want to be rid of Barbie for good. Is this all Valeria dreamed of doing with her life? Not law school or ending world hunger? Heck, her parents would have still been proud if she wanted to go into acting.

It’s a truly sad day and I weep for humanity. I’m just waiting for an article to pop up about a man who turned himself into Ken. A coworker questions if she altered her genitals too to be void and plastic. Check out her 10,000+ creeptastic photos.

This pack of wild dogs has the right idea.

One of the biggest social mistakes people make is not sharing food, specifically with me. This is America not Somalia, there is plenty more rice where that came from. People have been sharing food as a means of social bonding for centuries. If you are not doing this clearly know nothing about how to be social and you also should probably go on a diet.

Often time’s people will not want to share food with me because I am constantly complaining about sores in and around my mouth. First of all, these are not herpes sores, they are mystery sores. Second of all, I’m not asking to fellate you I just want some of your fillet o’ fish. These tend to be the same stuck up people who cringe when I root around in the trashcan for food. A lot of people are throwing out partially eaten lunches around here, why not benefit from there wastefulness? Portions in America are too big and we waste tons of food. Maybe if we were more social, this would not be such a big problem.

I, for one, cannot enjoy my veggie burger when I know those around me are eye fucking it out of hunger, it’s a real buzz kill.

Codependency can be incredibly damaging to the way one proceeds through their lives. It can make you unhappy and cramped while completely destroying your more social tendencies. Yet, fighting through codependency can feel almost impossible. It can make a person feel like they have lost all control of their lives and like they are pulling the trigger on everything that matters.

This is why I found a fellow offering $35 to strangers to have them break up with his girlfriend for him so inspiring. How perfect a plan, how beautiful a world we live in to facilitate it. I offered my services but if anyone in the world thinks like me there were probably dozens leaping at the chance to do this.

My hope is that more and more people will take to the web to outsource their break-ups. Let’s make this socially acceptable behavior!

So first let me say, stop it. Walking down the street with your phone attached to your head is a hazard. I’ve literally saved friends from becoming roadkill. So now I’m worried about my friends dying but also playing Frogger, dodging pedestrians left and right. I know life in NYC seems to be hectic and fast paced, but not so much that you can’t wait 5 minutes to text someone back. Or here’s a novel idea, pull over on the sidewalk!

My second slab of beef about phones is that society is becoming inept with their social skills. We’re so used to e-mailing, texting, and commenting on Facebook that some of us don’t know how to actually have a conversation with people. My generation isn’t so bad at it, and naturally I ignore people who can’t. Now while I admit to “checking in” on Foresquare and Untappd, I don’t spend the entire evening staring at my phone. To me, that shows a lack of interest. I feel terrible for those younger than me. These children will probably fail on interviews and never speak to anyone in life ever again. Their dating life is doomed.

Get off the phone please. Why don’t you try talking to people. Remember talking?

Many people flock to internet site like OkCupid or Match.com but the problem with these sites is that people’s digital projections of themselves are miles off of their actual appearance and demeanor. You are better off going to a real back ally or bath house in search of love and communicable disease. I bet right now you are thinking, “Okay, you are totally correct. But how do I find love?”

The only real path to love is using the pseudo-super-science called astrology.  Any good scientist will tell you that we are at the mercy of the planets. If you haven’t found love yet it’s because you are one of the runt signs (Taurus and Scorpio – Sorry you will all die alone) or you have been spending too much time outside when mercury is in wane. Sleep with quartz crystal above your heart then burn some sage leaves, love will be yours in no time. Be more social and take my love help.

Not only that, but you see that space your Jansport is taking up? A whole damn person can fit there. So essentially, you are utilizing space you don’t need. And now you look like a jackass because there are three other people around you doing the right thing, with their bag on the floor between their feet. But no, you keep being a rebel, jerk.

While we are at it, ladies, please tame your purses. I always hold mine close to me and sometimes in front of myself. Many of you let these things swing freely. I had a purse this morning freely molesting my backside for a good three stops. I don’t want to become that intimate with your Louis Vuitton, thanks. Also, you are an idiot because someone can easily  pickpocket you, as you clearly have no idea what your purse is even doing. I hope you get to work and realize you lost your Kindle. You deserve it.

Mitt Romney while not fully endorsing the Lilly Ledbetter Law which was Barack Obama’s first signed piece of legislation upon his election has become a sticking point in the Presidential race. As women’s issues seem to define this race more and more it seems that once again Romney would rather waffle and give vague answers then answer in the affirmative on anything Obama has done in office.

As the differences between the two parties on women’s rights becomes clearer and clearer it is becoming weirdly clear that the Republicans are completely tone deaf to 51% of the global population. This does not mean the Dems are running away with the full support of women every where but the more social and acceptable choice for our wives and girlfriends is clearly blue.